Who is Going to Save the Little Girl Inside of You?
I was cleaning my office and ran across this picture of me when I was six years old.
In this picture, my mom is styling my hair in a pretty flip like hers. I thought my mommy was the most beautiful woman alive and I wanted to look just like her. My smile shows my approval at how close she came to “making me preeeeeetty” like her. My favorite question she would ask was, “Where is my pretty girl?” and I would respond, “Right here,” in a sing-song voice.
In addition to that question, she is probably asking me, “Little girl, what is your name?”
“What is your mama’s name?”
“What is your daddy’s name?”
“What is your address?”
These are questions she would ask me almost every day of my life up until the day she died. She felt knowing the answers to these questions would keep me safe if I ever got lost. She didn’t know that by the time this picture was taken, I was already lost.
My favorite thing to do was to wear my Snow White or Alice in Wonderland dress. Who I was that day depended on my mood. In this dress, I could be either one of those princesses. I had an active imagination because although I had a sister, she was 11 years older than me and by the time this picture was taken, my seester (Sandy-Pandy) had moved out of our family home, so I felt like an only child. My dolls, my dog (a black poodle), and my imagination kept me sane in the midst of violence in my home and sexual predators in my neighborhood.
Today while looking at this picture in my office, I stepped outside of my self and looked at the picture with a different eye and thought to myself, “Who could look at this baby and want to have sex with her?”
I wasn’t like any other little girl; I played with dolls, raced the boys on the playground, baked cakes in my Easy Bake Oven, made mud pies, loved Disney Princesses, built trains and model planes, and loved to roll down the big hill by our school until my skin itched from the grass. I was super silly and would make up goofy songs about how Looney I was (like Bugs Bunny).
But…someone still looked at me, several some ones, and wanted to violate me. “Ever since I was five years old, I felt like someone always had their hands or body on top of my body. Touching my vagina. Rubbing me. Humping me. Simulating sex with me. Boys. Girls. Men.”
For years I lived with these secrets. I would cry at times and scream at the Lord, “Why didn’t anyone save me? Why didn’t anyone protect me?!” But no one knew.
For years, I tried to push the memories of what happened deep down in a place inside of me where they wouldn’t surface until I couldn’t do it anymore. The truth had to come out and I knew that only by telling my truth would I be able to save the little girl inside of me and protect her.
You may be reading this and something I said may have triggered your own “secrets.” You must know that the abuse was not your fault and your life can be free of guilt, shame, and blame. All you have to do is save the little girl inside of You. You may ask how can I do that Kimya? Well here are a few tips:
- Get it out: Write down or tell someone that you trust (really trust) about what happened to you. The important thing is not to be silent about it anymore. Silence hides violence.
- Pray: Ask God to heal you emotionally and spiritually from the wounds of the past. Ask Him to show himself to you to be a protector. Ask Him to show you how precious you are in His sight. Ask Him to show you just how worthy you are to Him. Others may have walked away, rejected, or hurt you, but He promises never to leave or forsake you.
- Forgive: Ask God to help you forgive yourself (because again, you didn’t do anything wrong). Ask God to help you forgive the perpetrator of the molestation. This is the only way to live in true FREEDOM. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. He teaches us that where forgiveness reigns, there is freedom too.
If you do these things, and follow the other tips I give you in my book, Born of Violence, in no time you will be healed from the wounds of the past. You can save the little girl inside of you and watch God turn your tragedies into triumph!